*Finding a Smile...*

Once again, I find myself up and awake at 3:34 am lol when I should very well be sleeping... but this time, it's for the completely opposite reason. It's not because I'm so insanely happy and excited, but actually confused and insanely sad! It's hard to even find a smile, but as hard as it is, I can't help but smile due to everything else going on in my life... :). Well, I found last night that my dad may have kidney cancer. I'd usually never be thankful for kidney stones, but if it weren't for his having a kidney stone last week, they never would've done a CT and never would've found the mass on his kidney... and now after getting the results from the CT, the doctor called and said she wants to see him immediately (later today) and wants to remove his entire kidney as soon as possible. Me, being in the field, knows what this means, and it is in no way good. There's very few reasons why the removal of the entire kidney is to be removed, cancer being the top reason. This scares me to death and hence, is causing me to lose sleep over it. It scares me.. because of his diabetes and lack of control thereof! I wish he would have listened to me the million times I've tried to get him to control his diet and to exercise but for some reason, eating whatever he wanted, exercising, and his diabetes altogether always became a joking matter...! Sad. Diabetes is a horrible disease, and I don't think he, along with so many others really understand that. Kidney failure... is usually the first thing to happen...! The thing that scares me the most is that very thing...! Kidney failure is one thing and could be treated but to remove one and have to rely solely on only one kidney... yeh no. :( especially with diabetes, lack of control and all that mess. So yeh, here I am, having to worry about yet another thing and I'm sure this is only one of many nights I'll lose sleep. When will this ever stop?! It can't ever ever ever be easy with my family. It's always always always something! Always...! I am thankful though that I have an awesome support system, who will be here for me... that will pull me through I'm sure... :). It is so easy, obviously, to become anxious and worried. That, seems to be an ongoing problem area for me lol. I worry about everyone and everything, and am always trying to make everyone happy and fix anything and everything for everyone. I think I see myself taking after my grandaddy...! lol. That's the one thing in my Bible study that I'm trying to change... worrying, not only about me and the things in my life but also worrying for and about everyone else! lol. Not completely, of course, because I am compassionate and all that, but there's a line between compassion and worry! duh. :) I just pray that I am able to be anxious for nothing, but give every single thing, in this and every situation of my life, up to the Lord, for His glory and for His will... harder done than said...!

*Philippians 4:6- Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

Of course, this verse would come to my mind. As I was saying it to myself, it's so easy to forget that little phrase "with thanksgiving." Seems so strange and it is so difficult to do this.... give thanks for this?! Yup...! He's got it under His control, Molly, gotta keep telling myself that and have faith. :)