*In a Daze*

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. lol. Well after talking to my parents last night, there's some good news and bad news. Found out it's definitely cancer, the bad news. But, good news is that they're only going to take part of the kidney as opposed to the entire kidney... for now... So that's an answer to prayer! More bad news, the surgery's on March 30, lol. hate that day. It's an evil day all the way around! Maaainly because I'm not going to be able to be there! If they would have waited 2 more days, I could be. grr. Hate this. Even though I sat here yesterday just taking it all in, I'm not sure that it's really even hit me yet. I'm in a daze. It's a daze that I don't think anything or anyone could get me out of. Last night, my friends took me out, but them and anything they did or said couldn't get me out of it. All I really want is a hug lol. I wish I had someone to just hold me, let me cry, and tell me it's going to be okay.. but I guess the Lord thinks I'm strong enough to handle it alone.. and I am, I think. lol. Well today must go on. In a daze, it's hard to get up and motivated, especially since my school load is so intense, there's no way I can't let this slow me down! I guess all I can do is try to figure out something or some way to go see my parents. I think that's the only thing that will make it okay... yeh well. :(

This Hillsong song popped into my head at the first mention of all of this and as I sit and stare at the wall pondering everything, it's been playing over and over for days. lol. It's a great encouragement, saying that the Lord, has, is, and will always come to my rescue...! So very thankful.

Came To My Rescue

by Hillsong

Falling on my knees in worship

Giving all I am to seek your face

Lord, all I am is yours.

My whole life

I place in your hands

God of mercy

Humbled I bow down

In your presence, at your throne.

I call, You answer

And you came to my rescue

And I, wanna be where you are.

In my life, be lifted high

In our world, be lifted high

In our love, be lifted high.

*Finding a Smile...*

Once again, I find myself up and awake at 3:34 am lol when I should very well be sleeping... but this time, it's for the completely opposite reason. It's not because I'm so insanely happy and excited, but actually confused and insanely sad! It's hard to even find a smile, but as hard as it is, I can't help but smile due to everything else going on in my life... :). Well, I found last night that my dad may have kidney cancer. I'd usually never be thankful for kidney stones, but if it weren't for his having a kidney stone last week, they never would've done a CT and never would've found the mass on his kidney... and now after getting the results from the CT, the doctor called and said she wants to see him immediately (later today) and wants to remove his entire kidney as soon as possible. Me, being in the field, knows what this means, and it is in no way good. There's very few reasons why the removal of the entire kidney is to be removed, cancer being the top reason. This scares me to death and hence, is causing me to lose sleep over it. It scares me.. because of his diabetes and lack of control thereof! I wish he would have listened to me the million times I've tried to get him to control his diet and to exercise but for some reason, eating whatever he wanted, exercising, and his diabetes altogether always became a joking matter...! Sad. Diabetes is a horrible disease, and I don't think he, along with so many others really understand that. Kidney failure... is usually the first thing to happen...! The thing that scares me the most is that very thing...! Kidney failure is one thing and could be treated but to remove one and have to rely solely on only one kidney... yeh no. :( especially with diabetes, lack of control and all that mess. So yeh, here I am, having to worry about yet another thing and I'm sure this is only one of many nights I'll lose sleep. When will this ever stop?! It can't ever ever ever be easy with my family. It's always always always something! Always...! I am thankful though that I have an awesome support system, who will be here for me... that will pull me through I'm sure... :). It is so easy, obviously, to become anxious and worried. That, seems to be an ongoing problem area for me lol. I worry about everyone and everything, and am always trying to make everyone happy and fix anything and everything for everyone. I think I see myself taking after my grandaddy...! lol. That's the one thing in my Bible study that I'm trying to change... worrying, not only about me and the things in my life but also worrying for and about everyone else! lol. Not completely, of course, because I am compassionate and all that, but there's a line between compassion and worry! duh. :) I just pray that I am able to be anxious for nothing, but give every single thing, in this and every situation of my life, up to the Lord, for His glory and for His will... harder done than said...!

*Philippians 4:6- Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

Of course, this verse would come to my mind. As I was saying it to myself, it's so easy to forget that little phrase "with thanksgiving." Seems so strange and it is so difficult to do this.... give thanks for this?! Yup...! He's got it under His control, Molly, gotta keep telling myself that and have faith. :)

*All Smiles*

sooo....ooooo... I can't sleep cuz I'm so happy and excited. that's all...............!!!! :)

*Life is a Funny Creature*

Hmm. Life is just that. Crazy. Interesting. Full of surprises. I never know what the day is ever going to bring. I'm just sittin here floating in the tub thinking about just that. Smiling. Yesterday, one day, has brought about more than any other day in a while. Everything I had written just days ago, all my feelings, all my situations have all done a 360 it seems like. The day started off at 5 am running the river run with christina. 6 months out of physical therapy and not being able to run like I used to had me a little discouraged. Okay, a lot discouraged. But, amazingly, I ran the entire thing. All 9.6 miles. That, gave me not only confidence in myself on the road and in the gym, but it gave me a wave of confidence for my.. hmm.. donno a word or how to describe it. I guess in my self-esteem all together. Over the past several months, depression has hit me hard. Just in the past 2 months or so though, I've been able to overcome it with the Lord's help through His word and His helper! :) Since then, Molly's back. My happy-go-lucky self who can't stop smiling and laughing, is back. And it's been obvious I guess. Fellow employees, friends, family,even my manager have noticed the inability to stop smiling. It feels good to be at the place in my life where I am with a humongus smile on my face. Yesterday when I crossed the finish line, it took on 2 meanings for me- one that i was able to finish the race and then analogously, I felt like I was closing that depressive chapter of my life and putting it all behind me. :) Next. lol. My Bible study, wow. It is definitely making me eat my lunch. I'm figuring out areas of my life that need complete transformation, and that, in and of itself is tough to take in. There are sooo many areas of my life in which I fail every single day! I don't even know where to begin! But, I'm starting with the biggest area and while working through that, hopefully the other areas will begin to change also. My accountability partners, my Bible mommies I call them, lol are absolutely wonderful. I have no idea why they take their time each week to meet with me and study the word with me, but wow, I'm so thankful. I feel like I should just make this my thanksgiving list! I can't help but be thankful. The Lord put them in my life at exactly the right, His, timing and in just 2 years, have already seen me go from the lowest low point of my life and up to the highest point, where I am now! :) Love them. I pray that I continue to grow in the Lord and be transformed into all He wants me to be!

Psalm 19: 7-10

"The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul; The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever. The judgements of the Lord are true, they are righteous altogether. They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold."

*Doo Doo Doo*

Life is so very interesting...! That's all there really is to say. Life, today is absolutely wonderful. I feel that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, although if one were to look from the outside, my life seems like a reck! Even though I have literally no time to myself, I love it. I am crazily busy between school and work and couldn't ask for more. I'm continously thankful for what the Lord is doing in my life. It's extremely evident that He's transforming me into whatever it is He wants me to be in this life. My passion for missions, especially to Africa, is overwhelming. I am in the perfect place in my life to work towards fulfilling this passion for ministry. I am still young, single, almost finished with nursing, and am growing everyday. I can't wait to see where He leads me. I'm learning more in one Bible study, Self-Confrontation, than I have in all of my life it seems like. I'm actually waiting to hear back from the international mission board to see if I am able to go help in Haiti over spring break, coming up. Think that would be great, but either way, yes or no, it's a-ok! The Lord has also pulled through for my family. Just found out that my dad is keeping his job, altho staying in portland. that's good news seeing as half of the people with his title are being let go. So, I'm thankful. :).
Well, school. School is crazy. I am so totally stressed and I have no idea where I get my energy from but somehow, I'm surviving nursing school, working, studying, and attempting to maintain sanity somehow...! I don't know where I would be without my twin, my sister, my other half, Christina. Wow, what a great friend. Tho we've just met, it seems like we've known each other forever. We have so much in common, see each other pretty much everyday, and to others, seem inseparable haha. It's funny and I am so thankful for her. Let's see what else is on my mind. Love? I'm not too sure what to think or do about that word. I'm torn between being content being single and happy and letting myself fall for someone. There are a few people out there interested, have taken me out, have my number bla bla blaa, but it's funny that altho I could have something, I'm content waiting on the Lord! Think that's it. I should be studying :/ Off I go. Til next time.