Saturday, January 14, 2012

*Hmmm Down These Days...*

I wonder sometimes. Sometimes too much. My current thought have been, well, not so good, for lack of better terminology. This life, is yes, definitely just a vapor. But.. I'm not doing anything for the Lord, or so I feel like. There's no ministry that I'm a part of and in my own way, I feel useless for His kingdom, at this point in my life. Yeh, I've been in the choir before I went to Nursing School. Yeh, I've worked with the high schoolers, but that was all before 'everything' happened. I find myself living in a state of depression almost from that 'everything.' I feel like Eeyore in a sense. I seriously honestly feel that the Lord won't or can't use me for all that's been done. I have broken down several times just falling on my knees crying out to the Lord to please release me from these thoughts and these feelings, but they always come back. Am I really going to feel like this for the rest of my life?! Feel like I can't be used, when my desire to be used by Him is deeper and stronger than ever before!? It is almost as if I am just realizing the realness of the Christian life. Yes, I was born in a Christian home and have always gone to church. But now, all I do is think. Deep thoughts. I WANT to be used. But, in order to be used, I'm pretty sure I should work on and strengthen my relationship with the Lord first, but honestly, I feel like all it is, is what I'm 'supposed to do.' Almost like that list and checklist that we've always heard about. The other thing is, is people will judge me. Why do I care though? Will others in my church be okay with me serving, with all that I've gone through? Again, why do I care?! I'm so confused, and don't know who to talk to. I've prayed. And prayed. And cried out, fallen on my knees in just pure humiliation. But, I still turn back to the past, to these same stupid feelings. I don't want to live like this. I have gotten past that. My life is here and now. I want to live in the here and now, and just be myself. I want others to see Christ in me, not my past or what I've been through. I need some help. The only place I know to turn is to the Lord, in prayer and through His Word... help. kajkgjkagkdkgjakgdjkgaj g:( But you know what? As I broke down and tried to just relax as I prayed, a couple things came to mind, but two things in particular. One: His mercies are new EVERYday. Not when things are going good or when my walk with Him is great... everyday; even these days when I am down in the dumps and am not in an everyday relationship with Him, where I should be. With that, I looked this verse up. I ended up reading the entire chapter, Lamentations 3. To my surprise, that verse is in the very middle. Know what that chapter's about?! The writer, is me. He describes throughout the chapter exactly how I feel- like the Lord has turned his ear, like He doesn't hear me, like there's noooo way He could ever take me back after my trials , sins, and trespasses.... but then that verse comes and it says His mercies are new EVERY morning. He has not turned from us. He hears us. He knows us. He know what we've been through. He is there. He is faithful and in Him, my hope is found. It was amazing. Simply amazing. I sat there, in silence, in prayer, giving thanks. But just a few seconds later, those same ol evil sad thoughts came right back into my head and I broke down once again, just screaming out... please please please let these thoughts pass from me?!?! I have no idea. The devil has a strong grip on those who are weak... I just don't know. Then... a few minutes later, another thought came into my head: Seek ye FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.. I must seek the Lord very FIRST, something I'm not doing, for sure. I have made my life into what I want it... not what the Lord wants. Yes, I've made some mistakes and have made my own decisions and paths. But again, I am where I am. This is my life. It is wonderful. The only thing missing is my relationship with Christ. And that, is what I strive for. I want my life to be honoring and glorifying to Him. dkajkkkgakjgkjkagkjkgajkgkfkga
That's all..what I'm thinking at the moment. lol