Sunday, September 18, 2011

*Open Eyes*

"I have built a city here-
Half with pride and half with fear.
I just wanted a safer place to hide
I don't wanna be safe tonight..

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder, crashing wind ,and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only Your's now.
I need You like a burnin' flame
A wildfire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only Your's now.
I'm only Your's now.

I am Your and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction's what I need
Oh, then I'll receive it Lord, from Thee
Yes, I'll receive it Lord, from Thee
I need You like a hurricane
Thunder, crashin wind, and rain
To tear my walls down
I need You like a burnin flame,
A wildfire untamed
I'm only Your's now.

And it's Your eye in the storm
Watchin over me
And it's Your ete in the storm
Watching only good for me
And if You are the One,
Let me be your casualty
Til I'm only Yours..
Only Your..
Yours, Oh Lord.
- Hurricane by Jimmy Needham

Ya know. Last night, I sat in bed thinking of every and any reason not to go to church this morning. I'm too tired. I hurt from days and days of house transforming- I need a day to rest before going back to work tomorrow. Even after telling my sister I was going, I still thought these things and wondered how I'd tell her this time that I wasn't going to be at church...again. That's just half of it. The other half of me is dying inside. It's so hungry, just yearning for the Word, for worship, for praise music, for sweet fellowship and sweet Christian friendships. I once had these things. My relationship with the Lord back in 2009 was so sweet. This was the time that I've been the closest with Him. He had brought me through a tremendous amount of pain with so many trials and tests, but through it all, the Lord was my best friend... I want that back. But then, I started Nursing School and had to get a job to help pay for bills and stuff that started working my mandatorily every Sunday. That's how it started. Since then, I've fallen out of church- go oh every once in a while, ya know, every time I felt I needed something. I am so thankful that I had that though and was still able to hear Him and feel Him tugging at my heart. The Lord was still there... the whole entire time... just sitting, waiting and knocking... it brings me to tears to think about. This morning, when my alarm clock went off, I turned it off, stared at the ceiling and thought to myself, thank You, Lord for lifting my head this morning. This is the beginning of a new day and the beginning of something new and refreshing. All morning as I was getting ready, I was just humming away songs that were placed in my mind. Hurricane was one of them, come thou fount, thou oh Lord, come to my rescue... all these songs. On the way to church, I was brought to tears and even had to sit there in my car drying my eyes before I walked into church. Right there in my car, I prayed. There was honestly a split second that went through my mind that there is no way the Lord can hear me... it's been so long and I'm so far. Why should/would/could He forgive me for the sins I've committed??? There's no reason apart of His mercy and grace and the fact that there is nothing... NOTHING... that can even take away my salvation or separate me from God. I wrote in one of my journals loooong time ago a quote that's well-known but it has never rang so true to me as it did this morning and it's "You may be a million miles away from God, but it only takes one step to get back.." As that replayed over and over in my head, I was just overwhelmed with love. Right then and there, I repented and gave my heart and life back to Christ.... wow. How refreshing it is to be a child of God. I am so not worthy... but He is faithful. I am so so so thankful for my Lord, my Savior, Jesus Christ...

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