*Hmmm Down These Days...*

I wonder sometimes. Sometimes too much. My current thought have been, well, not so good, for lack of better terminology. This life, is yes, definitely just a vapor. But.. I'm not doing anything for the Lord, or so I feel like. There's no ministry that I'm a part of and in my own way, I feel useless for His kingdom, at this point in my life. Yeh, I've been in the choir before I went to Nursing School. Yeh, I've worked with the high schoolers, but that was all before 'everything' happened. I find myself living in a state of depression almost from that 'everything.' I feel like Eeyore in a sense. I seriously honestly feel that the Lord won't or can't use me for all that's been done. I have broken down several times just falling on my knees crying out to the Lord to please release me from these thoughts and these feelings, but they always come back. Am I really going to feel like this for the rest of my life?! Feel like I can't be used, when my desire to be used by Him is deeper and stronger than ever before!? It is almost as if I am just realizing the realness of the Christian life. Yes, I was born in a Christian home and have always gone to church. But now, all I do is think. Deep thoughts. I WANT to be used. But, in order to be used, I'm pretty sure I should work on and strengthen my relationship with the Lord first, but honestly, I feel like all it is, is what I'm 'supposed to do.' Almost like that list and checklist that we've always heard about. The other thing is, is people will judge me. Why do I care though? Will others in my church be okay with me serving, with all that I've gone through? Again, why do I care?! I'm so confused, and don't know who to talk to. I've prayed. And prayed. And cried out, fallen on my knees in just pure humiliation. But, I still turn back to the past, to these same stupid feelings. I don't want to live like this. I have gotten past that. My life is here and now. I want to live in the here and now, and just be myself. I want others to see Christ in me, not my past or what I've been through. I need some help. The only place I know to turn is to the Lord, in prayer and through His Word... help. kajkgjkagkdkgjakgdjkgaj g:( But you know what? As I broke down and tried to just relax as I prayed, a couple things came to mind, but two things in particular. One: His mercies are new EVERYday. Not when things are going good or when my walk with Him is great... everyday; even these days when I am down in the dumps and am not in an everyday relationship with Him, where I should be. With that, I looked this verse up. I ended up reading the entire chapter, Lamentations 3. To my surprise, that verse is in the very middle. Know what that chapter's about?! The writer, is me. He describes throughout the chapter exactly how I feel- like the Lord has turned his ear, like He doesn't hear me, like there's noooo way He could ever take me back after my trials , sins, and trespasses.... but then that verse comes and it says His mercies are new EVERY morning. He has not turned from us. He hears us. He knows us. He know what we've been through. He is there. He is faithful and in Him, my hope is found. It was amazing. Simply amazing. I sat there, in silence, in prayer, giving thanks. But just a few seconds later, those same ol evil sad thoughts came right back into my head and I broke down once again, just screaming out... please please please let these thoughts pass from me?!?! I have no idea. The devil has a strong grip on those who are weak... I just don't know. Then... a few minutes later, another thought came into my head: Seek ye FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.. I must seek the Lord very FIRST, something I'm not doing, for sure. I have made my life into what I want it... not what the Lord wants. Yes, I've made some mistakes and have made my own decisions and paths. But again, I am where I am. This is my life. It is wonderful. The only thing missing is my relationship with Christ. And that, is what I strive for. I want my life to be honoring and glorifying to Him. dkajkkkgakjgkjkagkjkgajkgkfkga

That's all..what I'm thinking at the moment. lol

*Norah Elisabeth*

Theeeeeeeeere she is!!!!! My lil niece, Norah Elisabeth, due March 24, 2012!!! I can't get over how cute she is even on sonogram! Her lil button nose! Ah, so cute! :) I am totally absolutely excited and cannoooooot wait!! :) :) We've all been hounding Meg N Barry forever about when they're going to have a baby! Finally!!! Three aunts... she's so spoiled already!! I can't go anywhere it seems like without buying her something! Hhaha!! As soon as Jeff heard it was a girl, he said oh no... this is going to be bad for my wallet! Lol! So true so true!! :) I just wanted to share this lil piece of heaven, aka my niece! :) That's all!!

*Not Easy*

Ya know? As soon as I rededicate my life to Christ, it only gets 100 times harder... ! All my life I've heard it's not easy to follow Christ but goodness. It's just the small things I said I'd start with. A quiet time everyday- welp, it probably couldn't have been harder getting up in the mornings the last week or so! A positive attitude going to work- I may have said I've had a hard week before.. but I swear last week was the absolute worst week of my working life by far. I worked about 65-70 hours with zero, yep, zero overtime. I was exhausted. Ready to just walk out of there. Then, I get my new schedule for the next 6 weeks- working every single Sunday. Even after I've asked my director to at least please put me on every other Sunday if you have to put me on Sundays at all. She said she would. Nope. How am I supposed to fellowship and get fed the Word?!!? I honestly just don't know what to do these days....! The only way I know how to describe it is that I am so dehydrated and am soo hungry for God, the Word, fellowship and ministry and it seems like I can't find a way to do it! I'm so frustrated. I feel like I have no one. No one to lift me up. No one to go to. That's one of the BIGGEST things I'm lacking- just good Christian friends... yeh I have friends who are Christians, but no one it seems who is the full definition of the words. Someone who cares about me and my personal walk with the Lord. I am helpless and hopeless and I, like I said, don't know what to do. I have some free time but no one calls me. It is ALWAYS me who calls out to my friends. No one ever calls me. I'm honestly getting sick of it and honestly need new friends. You know, in the midst of all this what seems like venting, I will say this as I'm thinking and typing. The ONE good thing that has happened is that I did meet a new friend.. just a couple days after I rededicated my life. Whitney. Ya know, it was so weird. I just went to work to help a friend out at the Beach, walk in not knowing many people since I left, she was there, we introduced ourselves, and were instant friends. But you know what's even cooler.. that very first day we were able to talk about our walks with Christ. That.. is something that doesn't happen everyday- especially not at work. Work is nuts. I've realized that at my full time job, I need to work on my testimony. I've always been the quiet one about my faith at work anyway, but you know, that should be the place it is the most potent. I need to be a light in that dark dark pitch black mean place I know as work. Lol. It's baaaad. But, maybe that's where I can start. It may sound stupid, but writing this helps a lot. I hope I don't come across as too upset, but honestly, I am inside... and once again, I don't know exactly what I'm to do and where or how to start to do it. I'll start with prayer... and just ask the Lord for guidance... oooh. Life is so hard... but it was never promised to be easy.. especially as a believer...

*Open Eyes*

"I have built a city here-

Half with pride and half with fear.

I just wanted a safer place to hide

I don't wanna be safe tonight..

I need You like a hurricane

Thunder, crashing wind ,and rain

To tear my walls down

I'm only Your's now.

I need You like a burnin' flame

A wildfire untamed

To burn these walls down

I'm only Your's now.

I'm only Your's now.

I am Your and You are mine

You know far better than I

And if destruction's what I need

Oh, then I'll receive it Lord, from Thee

Yes, I'll receive it Lord, from Thee

Oh..

I need You like a hurricane

Thunder, crashin wind, and rain

To tear my walls down

I need You like a burnin flame,

A wildfire untamed

I'm only Your's now.

And it's Your eye in the storm

Watchin over me

And it's Your ete in the storm

Watching only good for me

And if You are the One,

Let me be your casualty

Til I'm only Yours..

Only Your..

Yours, Oh Lord.

- Hurricane by Jimmy Needham

Ya know. Last night, I sat in bed thinking of every and any reason not to go to church this morning. I'm too tired. I hurt from days and days of house transforming- I need a day to rest before going back to work tomorrow. Even after telling my sister I was going, I still thought these things and wondered how I'd tell her this time that I wasn't going to be at church...again. That's just half of it. The other half of me is dying inside. It's so hungry, just yearning for the Word, for worship, for praise music, for sweet fellowship and sweet Christian friendships. I once had these things. My relationship with the Lord back in 2009 was so sweet. This was the time that I've been the closest with Him. He had brought me through a tremendous amount of pain with so many trials and tests, but through it all, the Lord was my best friend... I want that back. But then, I started Nursing School and had to get a job to help pay for bills and stuff that started working my mandatorily every Sunday. That's how it started. Since then, I've fallen out of church- go oh every once in a while, ya know, every time I felt I needed something. I am so thankful that I had that though and was still able to hear Him and feel Him tugging at my heart. The Lord was still there... the whole entire time... just sitting, waiting and knocking... it brings me to tears to think about. This morning, when my alarm clock went off, I turned it off, stared at the ceiling and thought to myself, thank You, Lord for lifting my head this morning. This is the beginning of a new day and the beginning of something new and refreshing. All morning as I was getting ready, I was just humming away songs that were placed in my mind. Hurricane was one of them, come thou fount, thou oh Lord, come to my rescue... all these songs. On the way to church, I was brought to tears and even had to sit there in my car drying my eyes before I walked into church. Right there in my car, I prayed. There was honestly a split second that went through my mind that there is no way the Lord can hear me... it's been so long and I'm so far. Why should/would/could He forgive me for the sins I've committed??? There's no reason apart of His mercy and grace and the fact that there is nothing... NOTHING... that can even take away my salvation or separate me from God. I wrote in one of my journals loooong time ago a quote that's well-known but it has never rang so true to me as it did this morning and it's "You may be a million miles away from God, but it only takes one step to get back.." As that replayed over and over in my head, I was just overwhelmed with love. Right then and there, I repented and gave my heart and life back to Christ.... wow. How refreshing it is to be a child of God. I am so not worthy... but He is faithful. I am so so so thankful for my Lord, my Savior, Jesus Christ...

*Catchin Up!!!*

Where to start, oh where to start!?!? I guess with our big day! It was the best day of my life. It was simply perfect and I couldn't ever ask for anything more. There's just no way to even begin to describe it all! Pictures say a million words, so that's what we've got pictures and albums for. I'll never forget the moment when I got to the end of the grass, turned to face the isle and look up to see my prince charming at the other end of it! I could not wait to get down there, I honestly think I was pulling my dad along next to me as I ran down the isle! ;) Jk, but that's how excited I was. As much as I was excited, I was so nervous! Not seeing him until that moment was so priceless. I'm so glad we decided to do it that way! The look on his face was even better than any butterflies in my tummy! He looked all of ecstatic, happy, in love, excited, nervous, like-he-was-about-to-pass-out, lol, as anyone could ever be!! It was finally here! The day and all of the countless priceless memories that came along with it we've been waiting for!! Since the night of our first date, we'd been inseparable and this was the day that would make up inseparable officially! ;) It's soOoOo exciting! To be married.. is.. wonderfully wonderful! I am loving it. Now, I have YET to ever cook for my boyfriend/fiance'/husband... but I'm working on it.. kinda! lol. My excuse was always when I'm done with school or when we get married, I'll start cooking- I'll have more time! Then when I finished, I started my job, then got engaged, and it's just been going non-stop! Now, all this stuff with my Grandaddy is taking up a lot of time and stress and my sanity! :( That story's could be it's own blog.. but to recap for later- he went in for a regular routine in and out outpatient surgery. It ended up getting infected. Went in for surgery to clean it out. Started having back pain and they couldn't control it so of course then HE went out of control and all the pain meds and medicines they'd give him to calm him down started taking negative affects on him (hallucinations, craziness!). He went to another hospital to finish out antibiotics. Things only kept escalating. Physical therapy started getting painful and eventually he couldn't even go bc of pain, his foot dragging, who knows... I was on my honeymoon! :) (That's next!) Well when I get home, he was at another hospital and had had another surgery!!! This time, they told me he'd absolutely gone crazy, was in restraints, and were going to send him to the Psychiatric hospital downtown. Okay...!? He gets there, there's no bed, so while waiting in the ER for a bed up there, they do an assessment and find that his leg is ice cold, swollen, and white/shiny. (any nurse would automatically think blood clot but obviously ppl who had been taken care of him are idiots and were more worried about his crazy mind that his surgical sites/medical care?! idiots. ) So yep, right away, they take him in for another surgery to try and get the clot-- bad news! The clot's been there at least a week! Eventually after waiting a week or so and watching his leg turn black, oh yes, what do they do!? Amputate his leg mid thigh and down! YUP! YEH...! uuuughh. Makes me sick and honestly, ashamed to be a nurse and be called the same thing as those idiots! jkdajgkakg. Who knows what's going to happen. All we can do at this point is pray and be as supportive as possible. He seems like he's giving up some days, while others he'll be determined to get out of there. It's a very sad situation. Grandaddy has always told me that I'm the 'strong one' in our family. It has seemed to prove itself true and I've been able to see what he's meant all these years through this very situation. I've definitely broken down once or twice, but it's held in usually, I'm able to be okay in front of everyone, be there for my sisters, and I'll break down later alone. I don't necessarily know if I'll enjoy always having that title, but I'm glad I have it and I hope my sisters can count of me for some sort of strength in any situation...! Well this is supposed to be Molly's Smiles so we'll stop that!! lol. The honeymoon---oh my goodness! I did NOT want to leave!!! I asked Sandals in Jamaica if they needed a nurse, lol! Shooot, I could live there alllll the time! We had the time of our lives! Countless memories, moments, smiles, laughs, relaxation, and just all together great fun times! I'll definitely go back in a heartbeat! We had our own lil villa down the beach, our own private pool/patio/butler. Ah, it was awesome! My favorite part was the fact that we could pick up the butler phone and be like hey Tarrick! Can you bring me a big plate of nachos and cheese, lots of cheese of course, along with a *Jamaican Smile*?? (our favorite mixed drink in Jamaica) Bring it to the main pool!! Hhahaha! Good times! We met some friends, which we'll hopefully keep in contact with! Jeff wearing Georgia shirts and Braves hats all around brought us lots of attention and that's of course, how we met our friends- football talk! Haha! Well since we've been home, married life has been lovely! We've started redoing the house, finally!! I can finally fix OUR house! I've been waiting for it to be mine before I start tearin things down and out! Haha! I'll eventually be posting before/after photos... every room a night and day difference!! Yikes! I love his parents to death but I honestly have NO earthly idea what they were thinking when decorating this house! ;) ahhh! Haha! :) I'm glad I actually got a few minutes to update my life on a computer journal! Jeff left yesterday for the hurricane work so I've had a lil extra spare time! Welp, my eyelids are getting heavy. Yes, it's Saturday night at 9:22 but I worked my lil tail off for 13 hours today and I get to wake up pretty soon and do it all over again! Yippy skippy!!! :) Til next time! Tootalu!!

*Back to the ol grind...*

OOOOOOOOH... how I do not want to go back to work tomorrow! Bla! I've had, though, the best weekend down at the river condo just chillin, layin out in the sun, swingin watching the sunsets and fishin and such for the last 5 days with my handsome fiance' and my almost inlaws! And I definitely don't wanna get back to real life! It's spoiled me rotten and that's not a good thing! But, I must think that I'll be on yet another wonderful vacation, let me rephrase that, the BEST vacation one could ever dream of in ONLY 26 days... THE HONEYMOON!!!!! Yippy! I think I am most definitely not going to want to return to life after all of that!!! Haha! I am so beyond excited for the next month it's not even funny! I've only got 8 more nights of work and then I'm off!!! Everyday from here until July 3rd is jam packed with stuff for the wedding! Every second I am not working or sleeping, there's something to do for the wedding! Stressful I tell ya! But this stress is an exciting stress that I definitely don't mind enduring! I don't want it to ever end! This is just too exciting! That's all I can say about it! Lol! And ol Jeffie, he's just watchin me and waitin! lol. I'm sure that's comical in and of itself! ;) He can't wait either tho! :) Wha hooooo! Come on 26 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can't come soon enough!!! Hurry but let me enjoy every single lil second of it!!!! :) I can't wait to marry the love of my life! :) :) :) :) :)!!!!!!!!!! Yeh, I'd say I'm just a liiiiiil excited, don't ya think!?!?!? lol :)

*Yippy Skippy*

OOOOOOOOONNNNNNLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYY 49, yes 49 days people til I marry the love of my life! :) Holy Wedding Bells!! I cannot believe it's this close! That's craziness! Pure craziness I tell ya! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! So much to do and so little time to do it in! Yikes!!!! So ummm our place only hold about 220 tops, right?! Well, without knowing it, our lists kept growing and growing and we kinda accidently sent invitations for oh only about 300 or more people! I sent out the invitations only 3 days ago I think and already every single RSVP that's come back to me is a yes yes yes yes we're coming. Double yikes! I have a feeling we're gonna be just a liiiiitttle crunched in our ol venue! But ya know what, it's all gravy baby! The funny thing is, only about 70 of those 300+ are people I know! The other 230, no clue! I'm sure everyone's gonna want to meet me but I'm gonna tell ya, I WILL be on the dancefloor at my own wedding lol! I prob won't last too long runnin around meeting people, although I want to! Not enough time, I can already tell! Buuuut hmm. I think it hit me the other day. I was just sitting here thinkin. Aaand just bust out in tears. Happy tears of course. I was just thinking about everything that's happened that's brought me to this place. It's hard to believe that such a rough road would turn into the red carpet if ya know what I mean. Just wow. Those tears represent a lot and I am just so SO so happy, it's not even funny! As hard as I try, I just cannot describe it. I probably never will be able to. I know how lucky I am to have such a sweet man as my everything. What a love. My love. Forever and ever and a day. No doubt. When I was tearing up I also thought about this... ummm I have a feeling I'm gonna cry on my wedding day. lol. As much I don't cry and as happy as I am and will be, I think the real hitting me will occur that day and I'm gonna lose it. Haha! But, alllll happy tears! :) Wow, only 49 days.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yippy trippy skippy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

* Such is the Life..! *

Well well well, where shall we start?!?! Life... is absolutely wonderful, crazy, non-stop, happy, stressful, playful and perfect all wrapped up in one!! Ever since the engagement, it's been go go go for our June wedding!! Because we'd discussed the June wedding before, of course, I'd been thinking up ideas, colors, flowers, and such already so once I got the bling ring, it was on! C'mon, what can I say, I'm a girl!! :) Mrs. Murray and I should be pro wedding planners because we somehow managed to arrange and plan the wedding in about 3-4 weeks! Well, the big stuff anyway! :) The little stuff, we're still doing but everything is working out perfectly! Well, David's Bridal is a whole other story but we won't go there! Haha! I'll pretend like everything is wonderful with them too! :) Tonight, me, Mrs. Murray and my wonderful girls, Meg and Christina, put together the invitations!! They'll be going out shortly! Ahhhhh! This is really real...! I honestly don't think it's hit me yet... and I'm not sure when it will! I'm thinking that week before my wedding when I'm not at work because it IS the week OF our wedding... yeh, it just might hit me then! Or possibly when I start that walk down the isle and I see my handsome groom at the other end...! Yup, that'll most likely do it if not before then!!! lol! Wow. I'm one lucky girl. I say it so much, but I have no idea why or how I got so so so so lucky! I miss him like something crazy which is probably why I'm writing...! He had to go to Alabama, where all the tornados hit this week! eeek! We've been waiting for a "hurricane" for so long and I can't tell ya how many times Jeff's said we need a hurrican lol but thank goodness a natural disaster has hit and he's out there on the job! Thank goodness! I'm happy cuz my baby's happy! :) But I miss him. Not cool. Even more than usual because he left Thursday but I worked Wed, Thur, & Friday nights... so I didn't get to spend time with him the night before he left. :( But, it's a good thing, I gotta keep telling myself! And work, that's another thing.. uuuugh. I am soooo not a fan of the night shift, lemme tell ya!!! Ugh. It is seriously some hard work, not just the work, but the lack of sleep part...! blaaa! Lack of sleep is starting to make me literally sick. Anyway, in the midst of what seems to be horrible, I am just SOOO glad to have a job! I know so many people who don't have one. So, all in all, I'm so thankful! Speaking of which, I should be asleep and have no idea how I'm still awake..so off I go! Til next time!

:)

* L-O-V-E *

HE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME AND MY LOVE ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL! Those explanation points could go on forever and ever and a day! Wow, I'm engaged! To the love of my life! Breathless...! We've known since our very first date that we had something special and have been inseparable ever since, but we've waited for this for a while! Now that the moment's here, it's indescribable. The phrase seems way overused, but it's too good to be true! And there's no way to explain how I'm feeling. The feelings were evident in the moment it happened... he was stupid nervous, I was stupid smiling, and it was all just an over-abundant, overwhelming sense of strait up happiness, joy, and love all wrapped up in one. Neither one of us remember what was said lol, but it doesn't matter. I just remember him getting on one knee, looking me in the eye, and asking me to marry him.. and me saying yes! The rest is history! lol. So, how'd he do it you ask? Well let's see if I can recreate it! ;) First of all, yesterday was just good from start to finish! We got to sleep in, we went on our first bike ride together (long story about his new bike, which he manipulated to secretly hide his pistol lol), I got my yearly supply of girl scout cookies, and it just kept getting better from there! Well, we were just watchin tv and about 4 he was like, honey, why don't we get ready and go do something. Okay, not an uncommon thing. No problem. So, getting ready, I always ask, hmmm should I wear a dress or jeans and heels and such. Yesterday, he said dress (he usually says jeans n heels). He likes heels. lol. But, that was cool because it was actually warm enough to wear a cute dress! Just so happens I bought a kinda fancier dress for when I thought he was going to propose (haha). So, I asked him where we were going. He said, ehhh I think we'll go walk around Academy Sports (we do this a lot lol) then grab something to eat and maybe catch a movie. At that point, I figured I'd just wear a casual dress and wait on the fancy dress saved for that special night! So, off to academy sports we went. In the truck, we always decide where to eat on the road so we were trying to decide when he asked, wanna eat at P.F. Changs? Of course! This, of course, was where we "reconnected" when I was working there last year. So, we had always said we would save this place for special occasions. Well, we had eaten there previously when it wasn't an occasion, so I honestly thought NOTHING of it! Haha! Well, we got the hook up with seating from my girls (thank you~!!!!) and we actually got a free dessert from my old manager! I took a pic of it too! lol. Well, we had gotten our check and were just sittin, talking, and passing time until our movie about 45 minutes away. Well, he started getting out of his seat and so I grabbed my purse thinking that was the sign we were leaving but NOPE! It wasn't. He said, no we're not leaving yet. And then he said something like I want to keep this place very special to us... then he got down down on his knee right there in the restaurant and popped the big question! And like I said, the rest was history! Everyone around us was so excited lol and it was cool because my friends there at PF Changs were there to see too! SoooooOOOOOooo exciting! Well, after telling our parents, we definitely didn't make it to the movies! Haha! The Murrays wanted to see asap!!! :) So we headed over there for the rest of the night! :) Wow, a simple story, but it means soooo much! It's still kind of in the shock stage but there's so much excitement! I didn't sleep last night because my mind was racing, my cheeks were hurtin from smiling nonstop and just thinking about our future! I've said it before but I'll say it again, I'm the absolute luckiest girl in the entire galaxy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's the truth! I've got the man of my dreams who loves me more than words could say. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with my love, Jeffrey Stephen Murray! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) get the point?! :)

* Work work work.. all day long..! *

Welp, I only got three days of rest between my test and starting my new job. Looking back, hmmm. Maybe I should have taken a vacation or something! Lol! I busted my butt studying, took the test and now I find myself busting my butt working on the floor and trying to take it all in!! I must say, I am more than extraordinarily thankful for my job seeing as many of my friends haven't found one yet! So I shouldn't be complaining AT all! :) I am definitely loving working as a nurse! Mayan, it's been a long time coming! It is a lot to learn, but I'm excited to get it all down pat! Honestly, I cannot wait until I get it down, get some experience and then get to go where I want to go, which everyone knows, is Labor & Delivery or the NICU, equal desires! It'll be a while, but still, can't wait! I'll definitely be at Memorial forever! Why, you ask?! I never ever ever want to sit through another Nursing orientation in my life! Ugh, that was brutal! Lol. So, hello, Memorial and thank you for my future retirement! :) Jeff's next to me reeling off jokes.. here's one I thought was funny...! :)

A man was wondering how his wife could be both so beautiful and stupid at the same time. The wife said allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you..! Bahaha!

True that! Just kiddin..! lol

I reckon that's all for today! :)

Til next time..!!

*That's Nurse Molly to you...! ;) *

Ummm....YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!!!! What can I say?! I've been waiting for this for a loooong time! Lol! There's absolutely no way to describe the load that's just been lifted off of me! Ahhh!!! Wow. Me, FINALLY a Registered Nurse! That's all I can say at the moment! I definitely don't deserve this, and definitely give all glory to the Lord for giving me this opportunity. He's the one who's given me the ability, He's the one who has seen me through every moment, up and down, of these past four years that I've attempted going to Nursing School. There's nothing I can say that would say this is because of me! :) I'm sooo sooOOoo thankful and blessed beyond measure! That's apparent and its very humbling too....!!! :) Well, you'll have to excuse me, while I go shopping, something I haven't been able to do for ooooh about 2 1/2 years while penny-pinching! After eating lunch with the bestie that is! Yippppy skippppy!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :)

*I'm free!!!*

I can't tell you how relieved I am to have those stupid nursing boards behind me and off my chest! Now, I get to wait for the results! Oh yippy... I hate waiting! I can tell ya that much! Done way too much of it in my day only to be let down so let's hope that doesn't happen now! Anywho, there's just no way to describe how free I feel! Haha! I didn't know what to do with myself after I finished my test at about 930 am... I was so bored! What else was there to do besides studying!?! I don't even know anymore! Well, I hung out with Kiwi, went shopping with Madison, crazy cleaned the house, finally took down the Christmas tree lol, and have been able to watch TV and am about to go to the gym all without feeling guilty! Every time I'd do anything, no matter what it was, I'd feel like I should be studying! So wow, it was great! I'm freeeeeeeee!! That's all. More to come when I find out I passed! I think I did good cuz for one, it cut off after 75 questions as opposed to after 265 questions and second, every other question was a 'select all that apply' questions, a level 3 question! That's a good thing! Or so I hear! We'll see if I'm above the line and pass that dumb test! lol Cuuuz I sure don't want to go through it again! So with that, I wait! :)

*Doo Doo Dum Dee Doo..!*

Where to start, oh where to start?!! Wellll... let's see. I have the most awesome bestest wonderfullest handsomest greatest sweetest funniest lovingest boyfriend ever! I am truly the luckiest girl in the whooooole wide world!!! Hehehe. That starts things off! I can't wait for certain things to happen! ;) But anywhoos, my days are jam packed filled with studying from sun up to almost sun down it seems like! I'm surprised I'm actually on here... I'm currently procrastinating that's all. I just finished my Bible study for the day so I figure I'll write a little before I have to stare at the computer then do hundreds of questions for hours and hours. Next Wednesday is a big day- I'm taking the dreaded NCLEX-RN. Scaaared crazy but you know what... I'm gonna pass this darn test! The Lord has put me here, in this place, has given me the abilities to be a nurse that not all people possess, and really, everything I need. I just have to be confident both in that and that He will get me through, if is so His will to do so! So with that, I have peace. Didn't come easy. I've definitely broken down and doubted myself and my ability maaany many times, but am thankful I have the Lord leading my life and every detail in it, even when I feel angry, beaten down, and doubtful! So yeh, February 9th.. yikes but :) lol. Some good news?! I got the job at Memorial! They called me I think 2 days after I graduated, I interviewed and BAM, I got the job! Oh yeh!!! Soooo excited! I start on Valentine's Day! What a great way to spend it, huh?! But Jeff has jury duty that day too so it equals out! We'll be glad to see each other that night, that's for sure!!! :) :) :) It seems that nothing else is really goin on these days other than studying. Honestly. Boring life huh? I cannot waaaaaaait until this stress and heaviness is off my chest and I can sit back and enjoy myself again!!!! I can't imagine what it's going to feel like! lol. With that, see, I'm feeling guilty that I'm not studying so I must go! haha! Til next time! Oh, and here's some updated pics!!! :) Can't forget those!

*Nursing School can kiss my booty and say Bye Bye!! *

Welp. I did it! I finally finally did it! lol. It's been oooh only 5 years in the making but I did it! I graduated nursing school on Monday. As everyone knows, ever since I graduated from UF/Shands with my Radiology degree, I haven't been completely satisfied with my job, although the money was wonderful! ;) So, working, going to school full time, and being on call full time was not easy... but I can finally look back on all those hard times and say bye bye!! they can kiss my hiney! haha! Well... I guess i can't yet. Have to get a job first, but don't think that will be much of a problemo. ;) We'll see though! Even though it's such an accomplishment and I thought that day would NEVER come, I still have a ton of studying ahead of me, because I'm not an RN til I pass those darn national boards. Yikes. Scared? You betya! Nervous?! Oh yeh! Confident... yes of course! I will be passing that board and I will be adding two more letters already behind my trail of letters behind my name! lol Now, all I'll have to add is BSN, MSN, ANP... that's funny when I look at it actually! BUT, I am soooo excited! I don't know what to do with myself! :))) Here's some pics from graduation! The smile on my face is so excited it's cheesy! :)

YIPPY!!!

*Day of Thanks!!*

I can't believe Thanksgiving has already come and gone already! Time is flying by! That's good and bad i reckon! :/ Well today was a chance for me to really look around me and give thanks to the one who's given me everything I have! There has been so much that this life has thrown at me and it's just amazing to me that through all those storms, I'm on the other side now and can look back and truly say that my faith is the only thing that got me through. Today, first and foremost, I am so thankful for my relationship with the Lord. My faith has been tested and although I haven't always done the right things, He has never left me alone and has gotten me through everything! I'd be no where without my faith. I am also thankful for every single thing that He has given me. I was so blessed to be born into the family I was. My parents are simply the best and I couldn't have asked for better Christian parents. My sisters and my grandparents have been there for me through everything and there is nothing but love among us all! My friends are just wonderful and I'm lucky to have them all! Finally, my biggest gift of all, Jeffrey! Wow, I am speechless and honestly don't know how to put into words how much he means to me and how thankful I am for him. He is amazing. I wake up in the morning and wonder why and how a girl like me gets a guy like him! :) Wow. That's all I can say. I am so so in LOVE!!! I honestly do not know what I would do without him. I don't remember life before him!!:) That, in and of itself is so surprising! Like I mentioned first, something that I've never been able to say any other year...is that I'm so thankful for the situations I've had to overcome to get to where I am today. In the midst of them all, I would question, worry, cry.. but now, it all makes sense. Everything really does happen for a reason. Now I don't do any of that, but can't stop smiling! I just look back in amazement of how I could question what the Lord's doing in my life! All I can do is be in a constant state of thanksgiving... not just on Thanksgiving! :)

So, just like every other Thanksgiving, I woke up so excited to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! My family has always watched it and long awaited the Rockett's performance! Well, wouldn't you know that the second I turned it on, they were in their last position just smiling away and then off they went! I was soooo sad!!! hahaha! Thanksgiving just wasn't the same... ! :( But I can say that today was the first Thanksgiving EVER that I've actually enjoyed the food and didn't force it down! lol. All because the Murrays are brilliant and know how to fry a turkey! Um yeh. It was delicious. I even went back for more turkey nuggets. lol! We started out at Grents house then headed over to the Murrays. Then, of course, headed home to pack for Jeff's hunting trip. Um, can I just say I cried when he left. I don't know why, but I did...! He's gone hunting almost every other weekend but I guess it was just the fact that it was Thanksgiving holiday, my parents aren't here, and I really just wanted to be with him. All I could do was pack myself! I'm headin over to his Mama's house and we're having a slumber party tonight and waking up early to go shopping all day tomorrow! So I'll be having fun too but ya know...! :( Speaking of which, I better go! Party won't start without me! :) ~

*To Oregon We Go!!!*

Oh my googles, where do I begin?!?! The smile on my face is humongous, contagious, and has no sign of going away ANY time soon! :)))) To start, Jeff and I have made it clear to each other that this is it! We have been inseparable and are simply just perfect for each other! He is truly my best friend and soul mate! So, unfortunately because Mama n Daddy are oh, only all the way across the country, we had to scrounge up some moolah for plane tickets for him to ask my dad the big question!! We got lucky, got a little extra money and off we went to Portland, Oregon! Jeff's never been past Kansas so the west coast was a far ways off! lol. So, Thursday, November 11th at 5:30 am we took off for Atlanta and from there, to Portland! Note to self: never ever book a flight that long with a boyfriend who has severe A.D.D., especially when you have the most important and last final exam of nursing school only hours after arriving home Sunday night!! OOOman! He was hilarious! I can say that now but when I was trying to study, no! haha. Probably the most memorable moment on that flight was when he leaned over to me after staring out the window and said, "Honey? What's all that white stuff on the ground?" Laughing of course, I said, "Honey... that's snow!" Poor thing has never seen snow! haha! But we finally arrived in Oregon where we travelled through time and gained 3 hours. Already tired, we still had a full day ahead of us at 1115 am!! My soooo excited parents greeted us with hugs and off we went to eat some lunch and catch up! After a short trip to the mall, we went to the mansion on the mountain where we were greeted by the cutest dogs ever!! so cute! one day, they're gonna end up in my luggage! ;) We cleaned up and soon went to a nice dinner in downtown Portland to the Charthouse on the water! It was so gorgeous at night! The perfect setting for 'the talk'!!! Jeff and I knew my parents made reservations, so I think he planned it in advance! ;) It was so cute.. the night before we were layin there and he was so cute n nervous asking me how he should do it and what he should say. lol. we even did a little role playin...! all in all, it was adorable! :) But, after dinner, before we left.. that's when it happened! I turned soooooo red, I'm sure!! It was dark and I was soooo sick but I'm sure you could still tell! haha! It was perfect though! The end result was a YES!!! :) So so so so so so (I could go on forever) exciting! I am stolked to be so lucky to have him and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him! Now, just waitin on one more thing! ;) hehe! (Can't wait to write about that, hopefully soon!) The next day, we did some sight-seeing! We drove out to the Pacific Coast. It is so pretty! The mountains literally drop off directly into the ocean! Weird! The waves were enormous, which is the norm! Our coast is sand, theirs is rocks! Jeff got some pet rocks, haha! We went to Haystack Rock and then something else with like a tunnel through a huuuge rock that goes into the ocean. Funny story about that last one..I got absolutely drenched, but we won't go there. Just smile and nod!! Oh and another fun thing.. we spotted a Long John Silvers on the way home! It is awesome because I can't tell you how long I've said I wanted to eat there but, man it was good! Anyways! We finally made it home and sick me, of course went to bed. :( Jeff got me sick so it's all his fault! grrr! Saturday was a football and chicken wings day- one of my favorite things in the world!! I wish everyday was one of those days! We went Christmas shopping and came home to pack. :( Despite being a pretty short trip and my sickness with bronchitis, it was the best trip ever!!!! I can't wait to see what happens next! And with that, I'll keep you updated. Samantha (the cat) needs some attention. Until next time..~

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

*T-Minus 3 Days!*

Thursday can't come fast enough!!! Well, today is an absolute wonderful day so I'd love for this day to last, but as for tomorrow and Wednesday, they can fly by!! Thursday morning, Jeff and I are going to visit my parents!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder! Portland, Oregon here we come!! You know what that means! ;)))) Oh yes! It's going to be a trip to remember!!! I am soo sososos ecstatic but Jeff on the other hand is just a weeeee bit nervous! But, understandably so! He says he's excited about the future, as am I!! Oh my googles, I'm just overwhelmed with excitement and happiness and pure love!! :) I'm so thankful for everyday I get to spend with him and I simply can't wait for the things to come in the future! I can't wait for the day I marry the love of my life! It just won't come soon enough! lol. AHH!! :) Well, I've had some coffee today as if it's not obvious! Plus, I'm so glad I made a A on my test today! That is just unheard of, lemme tell ya! As much school as I've been through, I've never made anything but A's UNTIL this stupid nursing program! Ugh, it is tough. A lot tougher than I thought, even with all of my experience! But, my final's next week, then role internship, then December 13th I am DONE! Finito! No more! That's it! Done! lol. Ugh, that can't come fast enough either! haha! Well, I am so excited for both the near and further future! I am so lucky! It just gets better and better every single day! YAY!!! :) That's it for today! :)

*Summer & Fall Fun!!!*

Well it seems that school has taken over my life and has left me with zero time to write! BUT the other blame goes to the Love of My Life, Jeffrey Stephen Murray, who has also taken over my life! The details would be too much to write but in a nutshell, I "re-met" Jeff back in March! We went to and graduated high school together, swam together, did plenty of things together! It had been 7 years since I'd seen him, so of course, when he walked into my work, I was breathtaken! LOL! My my.. he's grown up! He's a handsome thing, he is! :) Since our first date in April, we've been inseparable and will be forever and ever! Who would've thunk!?!? Back then, if you told me I was gonna be with, fall in love with, and marry Jeff Murray, I probably would've looked at you and laughed but everything happens for a reason and life is full of so so many great surprises! This, is just one of them!! :) That's for sure! When ya know, ya know!!! I'm the absolute luckiest girl in the whole wide galaxy and couldn't ask for anything more!! Of course, a toooon has happened over the summer and now, fall, but the best way to show and tell is through pictures! So, here we go!!! :)

Skydiving!!! Craziness!

SEC showdown! grrr! :)

Go Jaguars!
Sister's Pic! My Big 2-5!
Me n my honey!
Team Brian vs. Team Jeff!My Birthday dinner!

Starbucks Run!!

Beach cruisin' bike rides!

The Rausch Ladies

Besties!

Girl's Night Out!

The P.M.O. fan club!

Go P.M.O.!!

Gone shooting at the huntin camp!

My lil super trooper!

Jenny n Me! Bubba Gump's before my 1st Nascar Race!

Mama n Daddy came to visit! Happy Bday Mama!

T.P.C.!

Sun's Games!

THE pool party! :)

Summer pool fun!

*In a Daze*

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. lol. Well after talking to my parents last night, there's some good news and bad news. Found out it's definitely cancer, the bad news. But, good news is that they're only going to take part of the kidney as opposed to the entire kidney... for now... So that's an answer to prayer! More bad news, the surgery's on March 30, lol. hate that day. It's an evil day all the way around! Maaainly because I'm not going to be able to be there! If they would have waited 2 more days, I could be. grr. Hate this. Even though I sat here yesterday just taking it all in, I'm not sure that it's really even hit me yet. I'm in a daze. It's a daze that I don't think anything or anyone could get me out of. Last night, my friends took me out, but them and anything they did or said couldn't get me out of it. All I really want is a hug lol. I wish I had someone to just hold me, let me cry, and tell me it's going to be okay.. but I guess the Lord thinks I'm strong enough to handle it alone.. and I am, I think. lol. Well today must go on. In a daze, it's hard to get up and motivated, especially since my school load is so intense, there's no way I can't let this slow me down! I guess all I can do is try to figure out something or some way to go see my parents. I think that's the only thing that will make it okay... yeh well. :(

This Hillsong song popped into my head at the first mention of all of this and as I sit and stare at the wall pondering everything, it's been playing over and over for days. lol. It's a great encouragement, saying that the Lord, has, is, and will always come to my rescue...! So very thankful.

Came To My Rescue

by Hillsong

Falling on my knees in worship

Giving all I am to seek your face

Lord, all I am is yours.

My whole life

I place in your hands

God of mercy

Humbled I bow down

In your presence, at your throne.

I call, You answer

And you came to my rescue

And I, wanna be where you are.

In my life, be lifted high

In our world, be lifted high

In our love, be lifted high.

*Finding a Smile...*

Once again, I find myself up and awake at 3:34 am lol when I should very well be sleeping... but this time, it's for the completely opposite reason. It's not because I'm so insanely happy and excited, but actually confused and insanely sad! It's hard to even find a smile, but as hard as it is, I can't help but smile due to everything else going on in my life... :). Well, I found last night that my dad may have kidney cancer. I'd usually never be thankful for kidney stones, but if it weren't for his having a kidney stone last week, they never would've done a CT and never would've found the mass on his kidney... and now after getting the results from the CT, the doctor called and said she wants to see him immediately (later today) and wants to remove his entire kidney as soon as possible. Me, being in the field, knows what this means, and it is in no way good. There's very few reasons why the removal of the entire kidney is to be removed, cancer being the top reason. This scares me to death and hence, is causing me to lose sleep over it. It scares me.. because of his diabetes and lack of control thereof! I wish he would have listened to me the million times I've tried to get him to control his diet and to exercise but for some reason, eating whatever he wanted, exercising, and his diabetes altogether always became a joking matter...! Sad. Diabetes is a horrible disease, and I don't think he, along with so many others really understand that. Kidney failure... is usually the first thing to happen...! The thing that scares me the most is that very thing...! Kidney failure is one thing and could be treated but to remove one and have to rely solely on only one kidney... yeh no. :( especially with diabetes, lack of control and all that mess. So yeh, here I am, having to worry about yet another thing and I'm sure this is only one of many nights I'll lose sleep. When will this ever stop?! It can't ever ever ever be easy with my family. It's always always always something! Always...! I am thankful though that I have an awesome support system, who will be here for me... that will pull me through I'm sure... :). It is so easy, obviously, to become anxious and worried. That, seems to be an ongoing problem area for me lol. I worry about everyone and everything, and am always trying to make everyone happy and fix anything and everything for everyone. I think I see myself taking after my grandaddy...! lol. That's the one thing in my Bible study that I'm trying to change... worrying, not only about me and the things in my life but also worrying for and about everyone else! lol. Not completely, of course, because I am compassionate and all that, but there's a line between compassion and worry! duh. :) I just pray that I am able to be anxious for nothing, but give every single thing, in this and every situation of my life, up to the Lord, for His glory and for His will... harder done than said...!

*Philippians 4:6- Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

Of course, this verse would come to my mind. As I was saying it to myself, it's so easy to forget that little phrase "with thanksgiving." Seems so strange and it is so difficult to do this.... give thanks for this?! Yup...! He's got it under His control, Molly, gotta keep telling myself that and have faith. :)