*Hmmm Down These Days...*

I wonder sometimes. Sometimes too much. My current thought have been, well, not so good, for lack of better terminology. This life, is yes, definitely just a vapor. But.. I'm not doing anything for the Lord, or so I feel like. There's no ministry that I'm a part of and in my own way, I feel useless for His kingdom, at this point in my life. Yeh, I've been in the choir before I went to Nursing School. Yeh, I've worked with the high schoolers, but that was all before 'everything' happened. I find myself living in a state of depression almost from that 'everything.' I feel like Eeyore in a sense. I seriously honestly feel that the Lord won't or can't use me for all that's been done. I have broken down several times just falling on my knees crying out to the Lord to please release me from these thoughts and these feelings, but they always come back. Am I really going to feel like this for the rest of my life?! Feel like I can't be used, when my desire to be used by Him is deeper and stronger than ever before!? It is almost as if I am just realizing the realness of the Christian life. Yes, I was born in a Christian home and have always gone to church. But now, all I do is think. Deep thoughts. I WANT to be used. But, in order to be used, I'm pretty sure I should work on and strengthen my relationship with the Lord first, but honestly, I feel like all it is, is what I'm 'supposed to do.' Almost like that list and checklist that we've always heard about. The other thing is, is people will judge me. Why do I care though? Will others in my church be okay with me serving, with all that I've gone through? Again, why do I care?! I'm so confused, and don't know who to talk to. I've prayed. And prayed. And cried out, fallen on my knees in just pure humiliation. But, I still turn back to the past, to these same stupid feelings. I don't want to live like this. I have gotten past that. My life is here and now. I want to live in the here and now, and just be myself. I want others to see Christ in me, not my past or what I've been through. I need some help. The only place I know to turn is to the Lord, in prayer and through His Word... help. kajkgjkagkdkgjakgdjkgaj g:( But you know what? As I broke down and tried to just relax as I prayed, a couple things came to mind, but two things in particular. One: His mercies are new EVERYday. Not when things are going good or when my walk with Him is great... everyday; even these days when I am down in the dumps and am not in an everyday relationship with Him, where I should be. With that, I looked this verse up. I ended up reading the entire chapter, Lamentations 3. To my surprise, that verse is in the very middle. Know what that chapter's about?! The writer, is me. He describes throughout the chapter exactly how I feel- like the Lord has turned his ear, like He doesn't hear me, like there's noooo way He could ever take me back after my trials , sins, and trespasses.... but then that verse comes and it says His mercies are new EVERY morning. He has not turned from us. He hears us. He knows us. He know what we've been through. He is there. He is faithful and in Him, my hope is found. It was amazing. Simply amazing. I sat there, in silence, in prayer, giving thanks. But just a few seconds later, those same ol evil sad thoughts came right back into my head and I broke down once again, just screaming out... please please please let these thoughts pass from me?!?! I have no idea. The devil has a strong grip on those who are weak... I just don't know. Then... a few minutes later, another thought came into my head: Seek ye FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.. I must seek the Lord very FIRST, something I'm not doing, for sure. I have made my life into what I want it... not what the Lord wants. Yes, I've made some mistakes and have made my own decisions and paths. But again, I am where I am. This is my life. It is wonderful. The only thing missing is my relationship with Christ. And that, is what I strive for. I want my life to be honoring and glorifying to Him. dkajkkkgakjgkjkagkjkgajkgkfkga

That's all..what I'm thinking at the moment. lol

*Norah Elisabeth*

Theeeeeeeeere she is!!!!! My lil niece, Norah Elisabeth, due March 24, 2012!!! I can't get over how cute she is even on sonogram! Her lil button nose! Ah, so cute! :) I am totally absolutely excited and cannoooooot wait!! :) :) We've all been hounding Meg N Barry forever about when they're going to have a baby! Finally!!! Three aunts... she's so spoiled already!! I can't go anywhere it seems like without buying her something! Hhaha!! As soon as Jeff heard it was a girl, he said oh no... this is going to be bad for my wallet! Lol! So true so true!! :) I just wanted to share this lil piece of heaven, aka my niece! :) That's all!!

*Not Easy*

Ya know? As soon as I rededicate my life to Christ, it only gets 100 times harder... ! All my life I've heard it's not easy to follow Christ but goodness. It's just the small things I said I'd start with. A quiet time everyday- welp, it probably couldn't have been harder getting up in the mornings the last week or so! A positive attitude going to work- I may have said I've had a hard week before.. but I swear last week was the absolute worst week of my working life by far. I worked about 65-70 hours with zero, yep, zero overtime. I was exhausted. Ready to just walk out of there. Then, I get my new schedule for the next 6 weeks- working every single Sunday. Even after I've asked my director to at least please put me on every other Sunday if you have to put me on Sundays at all. She said she would. Nope. How am I supposed to fellowship and get fed the Word?!!? I honestly just don't know what to do these days....! The only way I know how to describe it is that I am so dehydrated and am soo hungry for God, the Word, fellowship and ministry and it seems like I can't find a way to do it! I'm so frustrated. I feel like I have no one. No one to lift me up. No one to go to. That's one of the BIGGEST things I'm lacking- just good Christian friends... yeh I have friends who are Christians, but no one it seems who is the full definition of the words. Someone who cares about me and my personal walk with the Lord. I am helpless and hopeless and I, like I said, don't know what to do. I have some free time but no one calls me. It is ALWAYS me who calls out to my friends. No one ever calls me. I'm honestly getting sick of it and honestly need new friends. You know, in the midst of all this what seems like venting, I will say this as I'm thinking and typing. The ONE good thing that has happened is that I did meet a new friend.. just a couple days after I rededicated my life. Whitney. Ya know, it was so weird. I just went to work to help a friend out at the Beach, walk in not knowing many people since I left, she was there, we introduced ourselves, and were instant friends. But you know what's even cooler.. that very first day we were able to talk about our walks with Christ. That.. is something that doesn't happen everyday- especially not at work. Work is nuts. I've realized that at my full time job, I need to work on my testimony. I've always been the quiet one about my faith at work anyway, but you know, that should be the place it is the most potent. I need to be a light in that dark dark pitch black mean place I know as work. Lol. It's baaaad. But, maybe that's where I can start. It may sound stupid, but writing this helps a lot. I hope I don't come across as too upset, but honestly, I am inside... and once again, I don't know exactly what I'm to do and where or how to start to do it. I'll start with prayer... and just ask the Lord for guidance... oooh. Life is so hard... but it was never promised to be easy.. especially as a believer...

*Open Eyes*

"I have built a city here-

Half with pride and half with fear.

I just wanted a safer place to hide

I don't wanna be safe tonight..

I need You like a hurricane

Thunder, crashing wind ,and rain

To tear my walls down

I'm only Your's now.

I need You like a burnin' flame

A wildfire untamed

To burn these walls down

I'm only Your's now.

I'm only Your's now.

I am Your and You are mine

You know far better than I

And if destruction's what I need

Oh, then I'll receive it Lord, from Thee

Yes, I'll receive it Lord, from Thee

Oh..

I need You like a hurricane

Thunder, crashin wind, and rain

To tear my walls down

I need You like a burnin flame,

A wildfire untamed

I'm only Your's now.

And it's Your eye in the storm

Watchin over me

And it's Your ete in the storm

Watching only good for me

And if You are the One,

Let me be your casualty

Til I'm only Yours..

Only Your..

Yours, Oh Lord.

- Hurricane by Jimmy Needham

Ya know. Last night, I sat in bed thinking of every and any reason not to go to church this morning. I'm too tired. I hurt from days and days of house transforming- I need a day to rest before going back to work tomorrow. Even after telling my sister I was going, I still thought these things and wondered how I'd tell her this time that I wasn't going to be at church...again. That's just half of it. The other half of me is dying inside. It's so hungry, just yearning for the Word, for worship, for praise music, for sweet fellowship and sweet Christian friendships. I once had these things. My relationship with the Lord back in 2009 was so sweet. This was the time that I've been the closest with Him. He had brought me through a tremendous amount of pain with so many trials and tests, but through it all, the Lord was my best friend... I want that back. But then, I started Nursing School and had to get a job to help pay for bills and stuff that started working my mandatorily every Sunday. That's how it started. Since then, I've fallen out of church- go oh every once in a while, ya know, every time I felt I needed something. I am so thankful that I had that though and was still able to hear Him and feel Him tugging at my heart. The Lord was still there... the whole entire time... just sitting, waiting and knocking... it brings me to tears to think about. This morning, when my alarm clock went off, I turned it off, stared at the ceiling and thought to myself, thank You, Lord for lifting my head this morning. This is the beginning of a new day and the beginning of something new and refreshing. All morning as I was getting ready, I was just humming away songs that were placed in my mind. Hurricane was one of them, come thou fount, thou oh Lord, come to my rescue... all these songs. On the way to church, I was brought to tears and even had to sit there in my car drying my eyes before I walked into church. Right there in my car, I prayed. There was honestly a split second that went through my mind that there is no way the Lord can hear me... it's been so long and I'm so far. Why should/would/could He forgive me for the sins I've committed??? There's no reason apart of His mercy and grace and the fact that there is nothing... NOTHING... that can even take away my salvation or separate me from God. I wrote in one of my journals loooong time ago a quote that's well-known but it has never rang so true to me as it did this morning and it's "You may be a million miles away from God, but it only takes one step to get back.." As that replayed over and over in my head, I was just overwhelmed with love. Right then and there, I repented and gave my heart and life back to Christ.... wow. How refreshing it is to be a child of God. I am so not worthy... but He is faithful. I am so so so thankful for my Lord, my Savior, Jesus Christ...

*Catchin Up!!!*

Where to start, oh where to start!?!? I guess with our big day! It was the best day of my life. It was simply perfect and I couldn't ever ask for anything more. There's just no way to even begin to describe it all! Pictures say a million words, so that's what we've got pictures and albums for. I'll never forget the moment when I got to the end of the grass, turned to face the isle and look up to see my prince charming at the other end of it! I could not wait to get down there, I honestly think I was pulling my dad along next to me as I ran down the isle! ;) Jk, but that's how excited I was. As much as I was excited, I was so nervous! Not seeing him until that moment was so priceless. I'm so glad we decided to do it that way! The look on his face was even better than any butterflies in my tummy! He looked all of ecstatic, happy, in love, excited, nervous, like-he-was-about-to-pass-out, lol, as anyone could ever be!! It was finally here! The day and all of the countless priceless memories that came along with it we've been waiting for!! Since the night of our first date, we'd been inseparable and this was the day that would make up inseparable officially! ;) It's soOoOo exciting! To be married.. is.. wonderfully wonderful! I am loving it. Now, I have YET to ever cook for my boyfriend/fiance'/husband... but I'm working on it.. kinda! lol. My excuse was always when I'm done with school or when we get married, I'll start cooking- I'll have more time! Then when I finished, I started my job, then got engaged, and it's just been going non-stop! Now, all this stuff with my Grandaddy is taking up a lot of time and stress and my sanity! :( That story's could be it's own blog.. but to recap for later- he went in for a regular routine in and out outpatient surgery. It ended up getting infected. Went in for surgery to clean it out. Started having back pain and they couldn't control it so of course then HE went out of control and all the pain meds and medicines they'd give him to calm him down started taking negative affects on him (hallucinations, craziness!). He went to another hospital to finish out antibiotics. Things only kept escalating. Physical therapy started getting painful and eventually he couldn't even go bc of pain, his foot dragging, who knows... I was on my honeymoon! :) (That's next!) Well when I get home, he was at another hospital and had had another surgery!!! This time, they told me he'd absolutely gone crazy, was in restraints, and were going to send him to the Psychiatric hospital downtown. Okay...!? He gets there, there's no bed, so while waiting in the ER for a bed up there, they do an assessment and find that his leg is ice cold, swollen, and white/shiny. (any nurse would automatically think blood clot but obviously ppl who had been taken care of him are idiots and were more worried about his crazy mind that his surgical sites/medical care?! idiots. ) So yep, right away, they take him in for another surgery to try and get the clot-- bad news! The clot's been there at least a week! Eventually after waiting a week or so and watching his leg turn black, oh yes, what do they do!? Amputate his leg mid thigh and down! YUP! YEH...! uuuughh. Makes me sick and honestly, ashamed to be a nurse and be called the same thing as those idiots! jkdajgkakg. Who knows what's going to happen. All we can do at this point is pray and be as supportive as possible. He seems like he's giving up some days, while others he'll be determined to get out of there. It's a very sad situation. Grandaddy has always told me that I'm the 'strong one' in our family. It has seemed to prove itself true and I've been able to see what he's meant all these years through this very situation. I've definitely broken down once or twice, but it's held in usually, I'm able to be okay in front of everyone, be there for my sisters, and I'll break down later alone. I don't necessarily know if I'll enjoy always having that title, but I'm glad I have it and I hope my sisters can count of me for some sort of strength in any situation...! Well this is supposed to be Molly's Smiles so we'll stop that!! lol. The honeymoon---oh my goodness! I did NOT want to leave!!! I asked Sandals in Jamaica if they needed a nurse, lol! Shooot, I could live there alllll the time! We had the time of our lives! Countless memories, moments, smiles, laughs, relaxation, and just all together great fun times! I'll definitely go back in a heartbeat! We had our own lil villa down the beach, our own private pool/patio/butler. Ah, it was awesome! My favorite part was the fact that we could pick up the butler phone and be like hey Tarrick! Can you bring me a big plate of nachos and cheese, lots of cheese of course, along with a *Jamaican Smile*?? (our favorite mixed drink in Jamaica) Bring it to the main pool!! Hhahaha! Good times! We met some friends, which we'll hopefully keep in contact with! Jeff wearing Georgia shirts and Braves hats all around brought us lots of attention and that's of course, how we met our friends- football talk! Haha! Well since we've been home, married life has been lovely! We've started redoing the house, finally!! I can finally fix OUR house! I've been waiting for it to be mine before I start tearin things down and out! Haha! I'll eventually be posting before/after photos... every room a night and day difference!! Yikes! I love his parents to death but I honestly have NO earthly idea what they were thinking when decorating this house! ;) ahhh! Haha! :) I'm glad I actually got a few minutes to update my life on a computer journal! Jeff left yesterday for the hurricane work so I've had a lil extra spare time! Welp, my eyelids are getting heavy. Yes, it's Saturday night at 9:22 but I worked my lil tail off for 13 hours today and I get to wake up pretty soon and do it all over again! Yippy skippy!!! :) Til next time! Tootalu!!

*Back to the ol grind...*

OOOOOOOOH... how I do not want to go back to work tomorrow! Bla! I've had, though, the best weekend down at the river condo just chillin, layin out in the sun, swingin watching the sunsets and fishin and such for the last 5 days with my handsome fiance' and my almost inlaws! And I definitely don't wanna get back to real life! It's spoiled me rotten and that's not a good thing! But, I must think that I'll be on yet another wonderful vacation, let me rephrase that, the BEST vacation one could ever dream of in ONLY 26 days... THE HONEYMOON!!!!! Yippy! I think I am most definitely not going to want to return to life after all of that!!! Haha! I am so beyond excited for the next month it's not even funny! I've only got 8 more nights of work and then I'm off!!! Everyday from here until July 3rd is jam packed with stuff for the wedding! Every second I am not working or sleeping, there's something to do for the wedding! Stressful I tell ya! But this stress is an exciting stress that I definitely don't mind enduring! I don't want it to ever end! This is just too exciting! That's all I can say about it! Lol! And ol Jeffie, he's just watchin me and waitin! lol. I'm sure that's comical in and of itself! ;) He can't wait either tho! :) Wha hooooo! Come on 26 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can't come soon enough!!! Hurry but let me enjoy every single lil second of it!!!! :) I can't wait to marry the love of my life! :) :) :) :) :)!!!!!!!!!! Yeh, I'd say I'm just a liiiiiil excited, don't ya think!?!?!? lol :)

*Yippy Skippy*

OOOOOOOOONNNNNNLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYY 49, yes 49 days people til I marry the love of my life! :) Holy Wedding Bells!! I cannot believe it's this close! That's craziness! Pure craziness I tell ya! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! So much to do and so little time to do it in! Yikes!!!! So ummm our place only hold about 220 tops, right?! Well, without knowing it, our lists kept growing and growing and we kinda accidently sent invitations for oh only about 300 or more people! I sent out the invitations only 3 days ago I think and already every single RSVP that's come back to me is a yes yes yes yes we're coming. Double yikes! I have a feeling we're gonna be just a liiiiitttle crunched in our ol venue! But ya know what, it's all gravy baby! The funny thing is, only about 70 of those 300+ are people I know! The other 230, no clue! I'm sure everyone's gonna want to meet me but I'm gonna tell ya, I WILL be on the dancefloor at my own wedding lol! I prob won't last too long runnin around meeting people, although I want to! Not enough time, I can already tell! Buuuut hmm. I think it hit me the other day. I was just sitting here thinkin. Aaand just bust out in tears. Happy tears of course. I was just thinking about everything that's happened that's brought me to this place. It's hard to believe that such a rough road would turn into the red carpet if ya know what I mean. Just wow. Those tears represent a lot and I am just so SO so happy, it's not even funny! As hard as I try, I just cannot describe it. I probably never will be able to. I know how lucky I am to have such a sweet man as my everything. What a love. My love. Forever and ever and a day. No doubt. When I was tearing up I also thought about this... ummm I have a feeling I'm gonna cry on my wedding day. lol. As much I don't cry and as happy as I am and will be, I think the real hitting me will occur that day and I'm gonna lose it. Haha! But, alllll happy tears! :) Wow, only 49 days.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yippy trippy skippy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)